I know a lot of you have followed my journey through anorexia and recovery, so I hope you don’t mind a brief detour away from my usual blogging style whilst I share a little update and triumph.
I’ve been ill since I was 15 years old- that’s a long time and during those 11 and a half years I’ve been through numerous medical admissions, two admissions to an inpatient unit and had a few lucky escapes. Despite all that I was still finding it hard to truly click with recovery, up until a couple of years ago anyway, and even then it was still a road full of more downs that ups.
About a year ago now I made a promise to myself, that this time I would gain up to a healthy weight, I’d do it slowly whilst taking the time to fix the mental side of the troubles too and when I got there I wouldn’t freak out and I wouldn’t react, I’d celebrate and then work on rebuilding inner health and strength. I promised myself two rewards when I got there- an owl tattoo in memory of my Nan, and a Mulberry Bayswater bag.
Two weeks ago today I hit that milestone point, the magical weight restored BMI of 20 which I had resisted for so long. Not only that but I celebrated, I was happy and proud of myself and my mindset is so different from times I’ve been here before. It quite literally feels like a weight has been lifted, I’m not fighting it, I’m not plotting how to drop just a couple of pounds to feel safer…nope. I’m celebrating, announcing it to anyone who will listen and showing off my bag and my tattoo with pride.
A few people had written me off, both friends and professionals and I feel like this time I’ve proven them wrong. I don’t know what was different compared to other attempts at recovery; I can partially put it down to being in a loving relationship and having another, more powerful focus in my life. I’ve been forced to break down my routines and I’ve experienced so many things that I had previously missed out on. I also feel like I’m simply too old for this now, to be constantly waging battle against myself and counting every single calorie I put in my mouth or basing my self worth on a number.
It hasn’t been easy, and there are still things that need working on (my lack of social life due to anxiety being the main one). I don’t claim to be the perfect example of recovery, and I am certainly no expert but I do feel free, I’ve really done it this time and it’s onwards and upwards with the rest of my life. At times I never thought recovery was possible, but it is. It’s the hardest challenge I’ve ever undertaken and I couldn’t have done it without Ben, my family and my friends.
A HUGE great big thank you to all of you who have stuck by me, who have provided constant support and encouragement over these long, long years. Words cannot express how much I appreciate it. Now normal blogging, a fitness routine and getting on with having a real life can resume. Sorry for all the rambling and double sorry if this post barely makes sense!
I’m so amazed by your persistence, your strength and your faith in yourself. Everyone who has had the honour of knowing you – either in real life or via the internet – is feeling really proud of you.
You go girl!
This was a great read Laura, you should be so proud of yourself! And I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than a Mulberry bag 😉 Fab choice! x
You have come so far, even in the few years that I have known you and I am so pleased for you! It is so wonderful to see you in such a happy place <3
Love you wifey!
Maria xxx
You’re amazing Laura, you’ve so much dedication and strength to get to where you are now and you truly deserve to be happy! Onwards and upwards 🙂 I love your tattoo xxx
That is fabulous Laura! I am so glad! Look at that owl and see the strength you have and think how glad your Nan would have been x
I’m so proud and happy for you, I’ve learnt that being healthy is not an easy thing and anyone who makes a real effort to look after themselves is on a tough journey but it’s the best most rewarding thing you can do for yourself and so worth it in the end. I wish you all the best xoxo
P.S. That tattoo is so pretty <3
This is so lovely to read… You have done so, so well and you’re looking amazing. Recovery is bloody difficult, so good on you for sticking with it. Love the tattoo (and the bag)!
Liz xx
Well done, Laura! You should be so proud of yourself – a gorgeous person, inside and out! x
Congratulations Laura! You’ve done so well to get here, your Nan would be so proud. I can’t wait to read about what you do next with your new found inner peace. Joy x
I’m so pleased for you to see you proud of your achievements- I’m sure it’s been a long long road, and that you’ve made a conscious decision to move forward with your life is pretty huge.
Without diminish your recovery- making the decision not to allow your dress size or your weight to be the base line measure of your own value is hugely liberating. I have had my own struggle with balancing my appearance with how I feel about it, and being fitter has been the huge turning point- wanting to be able to perform better in sport and fitness became more important to me than whether I would fit into a smaller size pair of jeans.
I still have a weeks when I find myself wondering if I cut portions of my lunch down lost the carbs element of dinner if I would be able to drop a few kilos, rarely does it come to anything when I realise that I know I want more from life.
So proud of you, beautiful lady. Your tattoo is gorgeous!
Jess xo
It’s been really good to follow your recovery and I’m so glad that you are out of it now. Onwards and upwards x
Some of your initial posts when you revealed you had an E.D. titled “Briefest of Posts” and “6 Weeks” came as a real shock to me. I hadn’t known all that much about E.D. but I loved listening to Karen Carpenter, was deeply saddened by her loss and realised this was really serious. I’m so glad you have survived to be a lovely young woman, looking better all the time. Congratulations on achieving a Body Mass Index of 20. Best wishes on continuing to strive for health and cope with anxiety. I think you have probably helped a lot of people by being open about everything and trying to enlighten others. I hope the rest of your Spring is a happy and healthy one.
Such a beautiful post Laura, to go with the journey of how far you’ve come & all the amazing goals you have achieved. I think this post shows just how strong and brave you are. You have every right to be so proud; I feel proud of you so can’t imagine the sense of joy and happiness you must feel, and quite rightly so <3
I've being reading your blog for around 3 years (from when I first discovered bloggers and blogging really!) and it's so lovely to see you in such a good place, happy, healthy and content! Yay! 😀
Sophie xo soinspo
Well done Laura! You’ve done amazingly and it’s so great to see your journey 🙂 Loving both the tattoo and the bag, you deserve them both!
Laura | gibbigan x
Well done you! Be proud of yourself xx
nice look 🙂
Hey, im so pleased, happy and excited to hear of your amazing recovery. I have no doubt you have worked so bloody hard for this and you totally deserve all the happiness in the world.
I don’t want to bring you down, or ruin the amazing work you have done but I just wanted to speak from experience in the hope that you can be extra cautious that this doesnt happen to you.
I was where you are two years ago. Healthy (bmi 20, which actually went up to 21 for sometime) and totally free and happy. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted to, I had a life, a focus, i felt like the ed was behind me and I said exactly the same thing about being too old for all this now (I’m the same age!)
Things were great. And I so hope they stay like this for you. I never imagined I would ever be battling again yet here I am. I’m not saying its as bad as it used to be, its not. But it so easily could be and It’s not as easy as it was. I just want you to be extra careful and pay close attention to your feelings and thoughts before you end up how I have. I don’t want you to come out of this place of happiness. Stay strong, be happy and most of all be you. you have done so so well and you should be so proud. love and hugs xxx
This made me cry. Wished I could be there to give you the biggest hug ever. So proud to know you x
You are an absolute inspiration and I’m honoured to know you albeit virtually.
You look fantastic and I’m delighted to hear that you’re finally in a good place. xxx
Hugs ! I’m so so proud of you and how far you’ve come 🙂
You are truly an inspiration to so many and I thank you for sharing your journey.
Beautiful xx
PS I thought you might like this, I know I do.
http://themetapicture.com/when-people-say-introverts-are-weirdos/
aww wow well done Laura such a fab post. You really have done well. I cannot even begin to imagine how anyone can deal with anorexia its such a difficult illness and I guess you never really know until you have had it!….and you have beaten it! Well done to you x
Congratulations, Laura! That is really great to hear. I absolutely love that dress! xxx
The Jolly Fashionista
I’ve been a reader for a long time and I’ve seen parts of your difficult journey. It’s amazing to see how far you’ve come, your progress and recovery has been/is inspiring. I’m so happy for you xx
This has made me so happy. I still can’t believe it sometimes when I think of the difference in you. I remember some really bad places you were in and it’s amazing and magical that you have done this. You’re just.. awesome!
Corinne x
I really am so happy for you, you’re such an inspiration for anyone going through the same thing.
Massive love & respect for you. xx
Boom! Well done Laura, that’s brilliant news! x
You are amazing, well done! I know how hard it can be, and to have broken through that barrier and to have “connected” with recovery is just fantastic! Congratulations! And your new tattoo looks so lovely.
xx